MY SECRET TOMB: EPISODE 23
I found myself being entrapped by my besetting sins again. The 21 day habit formation theory didn’t work for me. The desire for pornography and masturbation even became stronger afterwards.
Soon I found myself on a cycle I wasn’t pleasant about: I’d go to God, ask for forgiveness for my sins, tell him that I won’t yield to sin again, then after some days or a week of ‘holy living’ I get ensnared and entrapped by besetting sins again.
The voice of the flesh was so strong and so domineering. I didn’t seem to understand.
How can I have the Holy Spirit and yet the flesh with its sinful desires reigned as well in me? The very things that I wouldn’t want to do, I found myself easily doing. And the things that I’d want to do like pray, or read my Bible became extremely difficult to do.
Every time when I’d have the desire to sin I’d get the usual prompting ‘don’t do it! Don’t do it!’ But I seemed to be weak willed. I couldn’t say no to sin. I knew that it is wrong, yet I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.
I saw myself as a hypocrite. I could stand before crowds and sing powerfully, yet in my own closet I had no personal relationship with Jesus. Sin and the flesh had taken over. Why won’t the flesh die? Why won’t it leave me alone?
I couldn’t take it anymore! So one day I decided to go to the mission house to see Pastor Obiri. I realized that I needed help. I was afraid of all that he preached concerning Hell, and I wasn’t ready to miss heaven, but somehow as I drew nearer to his house, something began to say to me,
“Why are you involving a third party? If you tell your pastor that you struggle with pornography and masturbation he will lose trust in you! Soon he wouldn’t make you lead worship and praises in the church, and your little secret may just spread. You needn’t go to him…”
©Dorothy Budu-Arthur, 2016